Our friend Adam Khan gets verbal at those lovely message boards we all can’t help reading.
10 Ways To Start A Fight On A Music Forum.
1. On a dance board have a user name which involves the words ‘DJ’. ”Funk’ Funky’, ‘The Funkanator’, ‘Funk You For The Music The Songs You’re Playing’ or ‘Kool Bones Frankie Bones’. On a rock board refer to yourself as ‘Sir Rocks A Lot’, ‘Rockarolla’, The Rockanator’ or ‘Cliff Richards’. On Latin boards call yourself ‘Mr Big Bongos’ or ‘You Wouldn’t Believe The Size Of My Bongos’. On a jazz board call yourself ‘Modal Mover’, ‘Pyramid Scientist (nu-jazz lover)’ or ‘Eton educated, for gods sake mum hide the green wellies, we‘re living on the front line here (Sanderstead) listening to Tabitha’s Alice Coltrane triangle solo’ etc…
2. Find out who is the godhead artist or DJ which the message board is built around and announce how they’re not as good as they were. In fact ‘back in the day no one thought they were much cop’.
3. Slag off a radio DJ that specialises in the genre loved by the board or a Heat Celebrity – pick a side first. Are you ‘they are brilliant and really nice in person (I’ve met them loads) and suffer media intrusion’ or ‘culture-sucking vortex piece of shit’.
4. Indicate your support for the Palestinians. Nothing sorts out a complex international quagmire than 30 people whose knowledge stretches to what they’ve heard in a pub, what they remember from a sixth form general studies lesson, or through a friend of a friend who knows someone in Amnesty. You’ll be amazed at how many people who are bang into fidgit house but have never ever posted before, run down some pretty comprehensive pro-Israeli talking points (‘but of course I’m only here to talk about the latest Dubsided release’).
5. Get some key facts about the musical genre the board is all about – wrong. For example, ‘Herman’s Hermit’s owned the States well before the Stones and were mates with Muddy Waters’, ‘Tony De Vit bit his style from Eddie Halliwell’, ‘Balearic started off in Leeds in 1990 at the Shaven Monkey club – I should you know as I was the muppet playing Matt Bianco extended mixes!!!!?!! (lots of laughing emoticons)’.
6. Indicate that Margaret Thatch was not all bad – ‘When Sade sang about the sweetest taboo she wasn’t talking about getting it up the laundry chute but fondly remembering the milk snatcher’.
7. Talk about ‘chicks’. Mention that the old love life is not going to good with vague implications that you don’t understand women but hey does anyone? Use an emoticon of a pacman stabbing a female pacman then an emoticon which is winking. If irate female posters (all three of them) get really stressed just edit their posted responses so they all start, ‘As a woman….’.
8. Big up a track that has never come out and never will cos you made it up and stick Henrik Schwartz’s name behind it as one of his early spec mixes.
9. Indicate that your take on things ‘back in the day’ is VERY different to what people with lots of posts think.
10. If on a UK board, stick up for a region fanatically and include its musical output. Don’t pick the South West as no one gives a monkeys.